Are these asswipes worth saving? — Pardon my naivete, but I’d always thought everything from white rhinos and pandas down to the most insignificant pond lizard was getting some sort of premium treatment whenever their population fell below “2020 toilet paper” numbers. No playing favorites, you know? Just because no one in the black market wants…

Your opinion doesn’t matter — I will admit to it, I am a snobbish gatekeeper. If there’s a closet full of us lined up at the end of the queer spectrum, please picture me coming out of it — but picture me right; not like some nose-pierced, beanbag-shaped, eggplant emoji-looking guy who says things like…

After centuries of gargantuan popularity, new generations are finally looking for alternative ways to bore themselves to death — I’m sure watching sports was the undisputable pinnacle of passive entertainment in the 40s and 50s, you know, back when the only alternative hobbies were skipping ropes and clinging to your virginity — but you can’t really blame new generations for moving on to day trading cryptocurrencies and making TikTok…

We are never taught the law (and this knife sticking out of my shoulder proves some of us couldn’t figure it out by ourselves) — During my 28 years of experience as a haloed paragon of law-abiding purity with impeccable browsing history, I’ve learned a thing or two about staying within the bounds of the law. Pay your taxes. Don’t touch museum paintings. Never try to steal from Kevin McCallister’s house while he’s home alone.

It’s probably nothing. But lose your shit over it anyway. — All this world-is-fucked perma-doom is more addicting than skipping Raid: Shadow Legends ads on YouTube. It takes only a couple of laps around the news cycle to figure that out. I mean we’re all rooting for Earth here. No one wants the permafrost to melt into penguin-flavoured Slurpee! But nothing…

Here’s an easy home remedy to prevent getting negligently murdered. — Look I don’t want you to think I’m here just to sully the good name of medical professionals — in fact, I’ve never been at a restaurant and had the whole room call me out of my day off to Heimlich manoeuver a peanut off of someone’s windpipe, so if…

Lads, fix yourselves before you have to call an actual wizard to break the dry spell. — Damn, guys on dates would really be out there paying for dinner, holding doors, pulling out chairs and then waiting for David Attenborough’s explanation as to why women aren’t throwing panties at them in gratitude, aren’t they? And then in comes a sunglassed, tank top cretin talking with the irritating…

The world’s population reached 8 billion. At the same time, we are running out of babies. — So the world’s human headcount has officially reached 8 billion people. Three hip hip hoorays for us all, for we are too many to issue participation trophies for everyone. But also, you know what this means Al Gore is gonna wake up in a sweat and threaten to release another audiobook unless we start taking the effects…

We have reached peak mediocrity. — For a good while I thought I was too old for TikTok. I just kept to media consumption’s legacy means thinking “You’ll never get me, China!” up until the moment YouTube launched its knockoff feature. Now I wake up to a mind-numbing thumb cardio session, swiping past a clip or…