Why I’m Right to Be a Snobbish Gatekeeper

Your opinion doesn’t matter

Loudt Darrow
3 min readFeb 7


Illustration by Robots. Creativity by Author.

I will admit to it, I am a snobbish gatekeeper.

If there’s a closet full of us lined up at the end of the queer spectrum, please picture me coming out of it — but picture me right; not like some nose-pierced, beanbag-shaped, eggplant emoji-looking guy who says things like “You’re not a true vegan unless you ejaculate coconut water” because we agree on one thing.

Most people’s opinions are overrated.

I don’t know about your ZIP code, but ever since the internet turned everyone into an armchair expert, bar convos have never been so full of softcore buffs who tweet and gesticulate with the decaffeinated passion of someone who got a PhD from Popeye’s drive-thru.

When I say I am a gatekeeper, I simply mean I am responsibly opinionated.

You know, I like screenwriting, I study it, I could probably spot all the plot holes in Hulk Hogan’s sex tape — but I don’t go around like the sole reason my kitchen doorstop is not a Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing is that Steve Carell isn’t answering my emails.

I have my thoughts and views on many issues, and I know most of them don’t matter, as my experience in those issues put me at the bottom 90% with all the other normies.

This may sound elitist but look at what’s happening to us.

People would take a pinky-up sip at their low-fat-iced-latte-frappa-dappa-chino and tell you how to solve the atmospheric CO2 build-up like they’re the CEO of climate change. They would come out of a 3-day raw cookie dough batter fast thinking about setting up a keto diet membership site — in short, they work too little for their viewpoints.

And honestly, why dedicate time and cognitive juices to careful research and reflection when you can jump to conclusions and start growing a following from day one?

Yes, I’m blaming this on the internet.

Don’t get me wrong, I would not go back to whatever way boomers distributed culture to mass mainstream audiences (Blockbuster? Oprah Winfrey’s book club?), but it must’ve been nice to have just one voice of authority out there without proper credentials — and having a…



Loudt Darrow

Humor writer, great at small talk, and overall an extremely OK person