Why Are Doctors So Incompetent?

Here’s an easy home remedy to prevent getting negligently murdered.

Image by Robots. Creativity by Author.

Look I don’t want you to think I’m here just to sully the good name of medical professionals — in fact, I’ve never been at a restaurant and had the whole room call me out of my day off to Heimlich manoeuver a peanut off of someone’s windpipe, so if anyone deserves unsupervised societal prestige, it’s them doctors and doctresses.

But we can’t just sit here and deny the fact that there is a remarkably stupid breed of physicians out there putting the “practice” into “medical malpractice,” not by honest mistake but by riding the absolute cutting edge of human idiocy.

Luckily, I only had to survive small, trivial negligence myself

I had a mishandled kidney stone and one of my toenails is three-quarters the standard width; don’t ask — but I’ve read stories about towels being forgotten inside stomachs, wrong medications turning patients into indoor plants, and other kinds of half-cocked duncery that leave me wondering whether I should prepare my Darwin Award’s acceptance speech next time I check into a hospital.

I learned of a British neurologist that misdiagnosed 618 children with epilepsy. Six hundred and eighteen. That guy’s license should’ve been destroyed atop Mount Doom after the 3rd mistake, but he kept going, the clueless dolt, prescribing medication kids didn’t need and probably telling them to eat the lollipop from the stick.

Hell, I know a woman who started oozing spinal fluid off her back after 4 botched surgeries. She lived to tell the tale, but I imagine that being left leaking like the undercarriage of a Pimp My Ride car before Xzibit puts some work into it is no bucket-list experience.

Don’t let all this anecdotic rhetoric worry you though

Like you, I too reject the thought that all doctors are a bunch of fat-headed numbskulls who got their degrees using Skillshare coupons and playing Operation, but here’s the thing. Let’s say you are a barista; you can go and fuck up a Starbucks order to the utter pinnacle of coffee-making botchery — put whipped cream on ice water and drop your watch inside it or…