Really Dumb Things You Do in the Morning

There’s no need to get fancier than “get up and feel like working.”

Photo by Spencer Davis on Unsplash

What’s that self-help subgenre that straight-faced tells you about the benefits of taking a dump at the exact same meridian as Elon Musk?

Ah, morning routines.

As a person who suffers from mornings, I’ve been part of the target demographic long enough to notice them decay into a parody of what is, essentially, “get up and feel like working.”

This list of items compiles those which are probably the dumbest.

You avoid checking your phone

Look, I loathe doomscrolling and making ad cash for Mock Suckerberg’s pockets as much as you do.

But this whole “phones are evil” rhetoric is just a misunderstanding.

If you only see a distraction-riddled box when you look at your phone, your perspective needs an update: hi, we are cyborgs now.

Smartphones have become an extension of our social circles, and part of being human is feeling the impulse to acknowledge them. You say “good morning” to whoever you cross in the kitchen, and in the same way, you get the urge to check your emails and social media.

No matter the media, we’re gonna be social. So ignoring this urge is just stupid. Take a glance, get it out of your head, and get on with your day.

You avoid hitting the snooze button

Don’t know about you, but my mind does not immediately kick into gear upon awakening.

First I’m swamped with a feeling of “Goddammit I’m still alive.” Then I have to go through 7 stages of grief and womb nostalgia until I make peace with the fact that I’m one day closer to my inevitable demise.

That’s where the “snooze” button comes in handy.

We should rebrand it to the “wake me gently” button, which is exactly what it is for. Those 10 extra minutes are worth it (and it’s not just me saying it).

Of course, snoozing for two hours is equally dumb. The goal here is to have a gentle, smooth awakening; not going back to sleep.

You make your bed

Where are the studies though? Where’s the scientific literature that all these hackfluencers rely on to say that “making your bed makes you more productive?”

I’ll tell you what I found: a survey by Best Mattress Brand that “found” bed makers to be more productive than non-bed makers.

But I think the folks at Best Mattress Brand haven’t heard of “correlation vs causation.”

People who follow routines, budget their finances, eat healthy food and make their beds are generally more organized than other people. They don’t do all these productive things as a result of making their beds.

I haven’t made the bed in 8 years and never let food go bad in my fridge. Call me the exception to the rule.

You meditate

How could I not address our watered-down, subscription-based, franchised version of Eastern wisdom?

I don’t stop reading about how convenient meditating in the morning is, since it’s when the mind is “fresh and quiet.”

So, do they mean “meditating on easy mode?”

Meditation is supposed to bring awareness and insight to prevent our thoughts from spinning out of control. It’s meant to calm the monkey mind, so what are you using it for if you meditate when the monkey is yet asleep?

Also, the relaxing effect of meditation strikes me as contradictory for the kind of energy I want in the morning. If I’m about to do a workout, I don’t warm up by getting a massage.

I don’t want to relax before starting my day. I want to be ready to fight (or flight, depending on how desperate my schedule is).

You work out

Let me tell you what kind of bodily fluid I don’t want on my skin after jumping out of clean sheets.

Sweat.

I know I just said that I prefer to be active and alert in my morning, but I was talking about getting some sunlight and a cup of coffee. Maybe doing some stretches.

I don’t see the point of a whole workout before starting my day.

You have to wake up earlier (read: a chance to screw it up), your joints are at greater risk of injury, and not everybody tolerates fasted exercise well.

Besides, we didn’t step out of the jungle and into the urban landscape to start the day running like we have a pack of predators hunting us down.

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