How to Succeed in Sports Without a Penis

Women’s sports have a crotch problem. Or do they?

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Not to be dull and unromantic, but if Jack in Titanic had found out Rose wasn’t packing a hairy vajingo for a front bottom you can be sure the two love birds would’ve taken turns aboard the wood plank — such is the power of the vajayjay. Car doors will be opened before you, handkerchiefs retrieved, and like a first-class ticket it will get you out of burning buildings and hostage situations with priority check-out.

Does this dress make me look f — no. No it doesn’t.

But all these perks, however, come at a cost. A penis may not have enough wiggle room to smuggle foreign objects but it does make a man a better prospect for selling sports jerseys and sneakers.

So what if you don’t have one? Can you be on twin chromosomes and still reliably make it in the sports industry? Well, I don’t think so.

Not with the marketing I’ve seen women use

The message is always the same. Support women, inspire little girls, strive for equality, break stigmas, fight the patriarchy… Funnily enough, it’s never about the sport itself and how exciting it might be to watch it.