How to Overthink the Joy Out of Everything

The sweet spot of sociopathy, the “Cosmic Rectum Axis” theory, and other things that might help you ruin your sleep.

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

Pretend everyone’s watching

This might sound far fetched, but since astronomers proved that there’s more out there than the “observable universe,” we can’t discard the possibility that this whole existential shebang is orbiting around your butthole.

So maybe everyone is watching? No pressure.

If the “Cosmic Rectum Axis” is not your cup of theory, you could go with the common-sense hypothesis: that each of us feels the pressure to fit in and make our mommas proud. That each of us is too self-absorbed to care about your faults as much as you think we do.

But how can you know that for sure? You can’t.

I suppose we could tell you whether if you’re living in Version 2.0 of the Truman Show or not, but that’s not the reason why any of us is getting paid for in here.

Find the deeper meaning behind extremely minor social cues

Let’s get the basics out of the way: you are always overdressed for the occasion. Except in those rare instances where you are underdressed for the occasion.

There’s no Goldilocks zone for dressing code, and neither for how long you should maintain eye contact.

But if someone abruptly walks away from the conversation, it’s because you’ve something in your teeth, and they went to talk about it behind your back. Although, in all fairness, they could’ve left for other reasons.

Your bad breath, for example.

Make a huge deal of these insignificant cues because who cares anyway? You. You care. And as a final tip: mind your text response delay. You want it to be not “desperately fast” or “disrespectfully slow.” The sweet spot of sociopathy lies somewhere in the middle.

Be into philosophy

Ah, philosophy. The favourite party trick of people trying to be clever for over 2,500 years.

Don’t mind the fact that philosophy’s only achievement in two millennia has been to increase its own catalogue of questions and problems — never shipping an actual product that can solve any of them.

The goal here is not to take it seriously and use it to get profound insights into the paradoxical truths of our existence, but to leave your friends as confused and lost as you are.

So grab yourself a couple of philosophical dilemmas and ponder your way to depression.

Bonus points if you can memorize some of the Seneca quotes you read in that Ryan Holiday book.

Unleash your rumination in bedtime hours

Because, aren’t you busy enough during the day, getting over your 8-hour shift and all that?

Unless you are a freelancing entrepreneur that chooses their own schedule. In that case, aren’t you busy being brutally bludgeoned by your 16-hour shift?

Bedtime is the perfect moment to wind down and ponder questions such as, “Skin itching: could be cancer?” No need to google it. Self-diagnosing searches are a bit like Rome; all links lead to carcinoma.

Whatever you do, don’t let your reverie decay into a good night’s sleep. Chronic overthinkers know better. Besides, dolphins can sleep only half their brains at a time, and I’m not letting those thumbless pricks be the better mammal.

But when in doubt remember: you left the oven on.

Accept that you won’t know if your life was meaningful until it’s too late

The reason we’re gathered here today is that I don’t wanna land in my death bed and think, “Damn, I wish I had written that sarcastic shitpost about overthinking.”

I’m going down with no regrets.

Paraphrasing Viktor Frankl, life’s a search for meaning. We make decisions, play our cards, and try to climb some positions before the race is over. But only in our death bed, we find out if all the bother was worth f*ck all or not.

A worthy subject to lose your peace of mind to.

Remember history books can only contain so many protagonists. Some of us have to play the unpaid extras fading into the background, away from the frame — the nameless soldiers that won Napoleon’s battles, the unknown engineers that designed Steve Jobs’ products.

Are we heroes or extras? We can’t know for sure yet, but to paraphrase Jobs, “whatever butthole the universe is orbiting around, try to make a dent in it.”

Become a Medium member here for full access before you think too hard about it. Ain’t your gut roaring in panic? It’s because it’s probably the right thing to do.

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Loudt Darrow

Loudt Darrow

Informed. Opinionated. I might be wrong but never boring.